Some people do not know what’s good for them, there attitudes are held in a vice grip of modern culture. They reject anybody getting close and embrace self debauchery. How do these people expect to achieve any kind of happiness if they won’t let themselves.
I blame modern politics and a general unwillingness for real life.
I wish I used my camera for more than this…
Such a good photo ! Photographer in the making ???
I’ve got to work half hour early so I thought I might blog, this post will be incredably boring for you guys as I have no opinions at the moment.
Its been raining allday and my shoes are wet, sunny turned up to cover my open shift so I can close today :D I like closing you get a lovely whind down at the end of the night and your not so much looking at the clock because you dnt actually know what time you finish, I want to close the pub floor tonight, or the bar as these jobs take a while and are quite taxing but you are left alone to yourself to do the best you can. I relish these quiet times, gives me space to think aswell as keeping my mind active. Its quiet in the pub today, probably due to the rain and the fact its recovery monday for all those heavy drinkers out there! I envy you so much.
I get to close with Kevin tonight which will be looads of fun! That boy makes me laugh, in any relationship, professional or otherwise making people smile and laugh is such a great quality.
So helloo, I thoinking I’m in the wrong thing, I’m calling it thing because I dnt want to actually name it. My only problem being that I have a chronic fear of being alone, I dnt know what to do, I know what I should do, but that inevitably will not happen, I don’t want to do it, I need to seperate my emotion from this situation, then I can move on! She will become somebody that I used to know !
Shouldn’t have booked a festival with her :S
Xx
Gifford Pinchot National Forest, Washington, 1971
Via sapta-loka
(Source: johnny-remember-me, via caitlininthewild)
—Jon Hopkins
(Source: uoa, via caitlininthewild)
Righty-o, first shift down! Turns out my incredible boredom of late intensified and exacerbated my existing problems.
I have nothing less than a stress free day well from about half 12, that first half hour where no one really knew what to do with me other than order me about like a shy pup, that was stressful, especially as my supervisor if you will kept on telling me not to shake (I have a born condition where I constantly shake, its intensity changes in relation to context and factor of fear) she even hit me with menus which made me laugh. Very soon I got into the swing of things and a smile on my face was regular, in my second hour I received a 4 pound tip and was told I was courageous ! (Sidenote: I should find that stone) I LOVE TOURISTS, there so willing to part with there money despite the obvious and quite difficult at times language barrier. (Sidenote: the way I write in my blog is the few times I feel socially normal, I’m able to discuss and chat to an imaginary other or maybe just a whole group about things that are important to me) I worked with a lady called Hannah who I met at my induction on tuesday, we share the minimum required pleasantries that show kindness and maybe a doorway into a friendship. I made sure I had a moan at her before she left about her spending 5 mins on the bar when I hadn’t had the opportunity, I joked before she left and she laughed, the hour after she left was very long, the pub got very busy, very quickly. Oh I just remembered and very drunk old man no taller than 5 feet squared up to me, I knew he hadn’t taken a liking to me from the start cus he made a few snide comments. Just reminds me I have no time for people who aren’t important to me, unless they give me money !
I should of split that into paragraphs. Nevermind, the tubes rolling as my eyes do the same, let tomorrow be just a stimulating and bring me fame.
Oh I forgot to mention, I shared a laugh with a man on the tube this morning, his water bottle leaked all over his lap.
Haha I should never write poetry ^^
Xx
So then, it would be an understatement to say I’m stressed at this juncture in life with university work flagging and starting a new job today in just over one hour. But I think my main and key concern is to do with a lady (what else?, ha) I’m trying to work out this lifestyle I seem to have been ingratiate into. Wait that’s not right, its more a lifestyle I do not want to adopt but I feel very much pressured into ? I think that’s right. I’m constantly trying to distance myself from said lifestyle but elements of it have already swallowed me, all over a girl! I’m using the word ‘girl’ in a way that distances myself from the deep emotional connection I’m experiencing which is not reciprocated Though at times maybe so?
I am terribly confused over the whole situation, like they say ‘love is blind’ not that I’d give this emotion the dignity or worth of love, maybe I need to harness that attitude so I can let go.
Before I launch into how I can improve myself I just wanted to make a quick comment on ‘BBM’ or ‘Blackberry Messenger’. This is a instant messaging/text service but uniquely you can see when your friend has read your message and then in turn see when they choose not to reply to you, now I know this thought is ridiculous but I can’t help but feel my heart break everytime I see that little ‘R’ which symbols to me, in my current cynical nature, total indifference. Oh and final note, phones on the dinner table is just not cool or respectful.
So how to deal with this overwhelming sense of rejection? That may or may not have been fabricated in my own head?
I think I must once again try to return to ‘being my absolute self’ that way ill be able to take hold of myself and not rely or worry about anyone else. Seems selfish? But I think its totally necessary to build myself back up again, I really think I need to take hold of what it is I am again so I can be happy because at this moment I’m not. That’s all I want, to be happy.
Left my ipod back at the flat :/
X